) written by Kevin SmythersThe Model Shop Sketch (with thanks to Monty Python's and their 'Cheese Shop Sketch')
RIVETCOUNTER: Good Morning.
HASEGAWA: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Model Emporium.
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, thank you my good man.
HASEGAWA: What can I do for you, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all plasticky.
HASEGAWA: Plasticky, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: Constructive.
HASEGAWA: Eh?
RIVETCOUNTER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I want to build something, like.
HASEGAWA: Ah, modelling.
RIVETCOUNTER: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little injected plastic will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some plastic construction kits.
HASEGAWA: Come again?
RIVETCOUNTER: I want to buy some models.
HASEGAWA: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
HASEGAWA: Sorry?
RIVETCOUNTER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
HASEGAWA: So he can go on playing, can he?
RIVETCOUNTER: Most certainly. Now then, some models please, my good man.
HASEGAWA: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, eh, how about a little Monogram?
HASEGAWA: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Monogram, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh never mind, how are you on Testors?
HASEGAWA: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get a new delivery on Monday.
RIVETCOUNTER: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout modelman, some Aires resin cockpits then, if you please.
HASEGAWA: Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Eduard?
HASEGAWA: Sorry, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Eastern Express?
HASEGAWA: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah. Airfix?
HASEGAWA: Sorry.
RIVETCOUNTER: Hawk? Fonderie Miniatures?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Any Accurate Miniatures, per chance?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Aeroclub?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Contrail?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: ID Models?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Trumpeter?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Academy?
HASEGAWA: ..... No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Heller?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Frog or Novo?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Matchbox, AMT, AMTech, Otaki, Alan, Classic Airframes, Imai, Zvezda, Italeri?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Polar Lights, perhaps?
HASEGAWA: Ah! We have a Polar Lights kit, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You do! Excellent.
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit warped.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh, I like it warped.
HASEGAWA: Well, it's very warped, actually, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: No matter. Fetch hither le plastique de la belle chance! M-mmm!
HASEGAWA: I think it's a bit more warped than you'll like it, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: I don't care how f***ing warped it is. Hand it over with all speed.
HASEGAWA: Oh .....
RIVETCOUNTER: What now?
HASEGAWA: The cat's stolen it.
RIVETCOUNTER: Has he?
HASEGAWA: She, sir.
(pause)
RIVETCOUNTER: Anigrand Craftswork?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Arba?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Amodel?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: MPM?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Fujimi?
HASEGAWA: No, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You do have some models, do you?
HASEGAWA: Of course, sir. It's a model shop, sir. We've got .....
RIVETCOUNTER: No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
HASEGAWA: Fair enough.
RIVETCOUNTER: Er, HASEGAWA:?
HASEGAWA: Yes?
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, well, I'll have one of those.
HASEGAWA: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr HASEGAWA:, that's my name.
(pause)
RIVETCOUNTER: Sweet?
HASEGAWA: Ah, not as such.
RIVETCOUNTER: Er, Roden?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Pavla?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Special Hobby?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Dragon?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Chorszy?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Czech Master Resin?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Super Model?.
HASEGAWA: Not today, sir, no.
(pause)
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, how about Tamiya?
HASEGAWA: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Not much ca...! It's the single most popular model manufacturer in the world!
HASEGAWA: Not round here, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: And what is the most popular model manufacturer round here?
HASEGAWA: Revell, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it.
HASEGAWA: Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it.
HASEGAWA: It's our number-one best seller, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: I see. Ah, Revell, eh?
HASEGAWA: Right, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
HASEGAWA: I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's not much of a model shop, is it?
HASEGAWA: Finest in the district, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
HASEGAWA: Well, it's so clean, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's certainly uncontaminated by models.
HASEGAWA: You haven't asked me about Lindberg, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it worth it?
HASEGAWA: Could be.
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
HASEGAWA: (To dancers) Told you so.
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you got any Lindberg?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you in fact got any models here at all?
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Really?
(pause)
HASEGAWA: No. Not really, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You haven't.
HASEGAWA: No, sir, not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
HASEGAWA: Right-O, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: (Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
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